more like it

So lately i haven't been in the best of moods. i have to say its not just one thing...its all things getting to me. Yesterday I felt ok, better than the rest, yet still there was this feeling of discontent. I know im still grieving for Sean. I think about him alot now. Before he died i thought about him alot, but not nearly as much as i do now. Everyday gets easier.

I don't know why i hold onto things the way i do. Eddie says its just my personality, and i shouldn't get all worked up as if im the only one who feels that way. But this past week has been better. I went to my first club over the weekend. WOO HOO for me! 21 and never been. so im a virgin clubber, its particularly not my scene, im much more of a "watch a good movie, homebody" but i had a great time. I went with my friend Nena, Billy and Eddie.

Eddie had to work on Sat and Billy and I had been home all day deciding where we were going to go. Once we decided on a place, i got directions and geared up to go. It opened at 10 so we were gonna leave at about 9:30. im dressed...in a way i hardly ever dress. backless, titty poppin shirt, skirt and heals. had my hair did..lol....i was READY to go! We left a lil late but managed to get to Nenas house at about 9:45. She wasn't ready...which was no surprise. i have know this girl for 10 years and in all that time i have never seen her on time for anything.

We finally hit the road, all dressed nice, and that never happens. I was so excited i almost couldn't contain myself! We got into the area and started looking for parking. Once we parked, and walked over to the club, i asked the bouncer when they started letting people in. He said 11. ugh... more waiting. So we all stood outside until they were ready. When we got inside it was straight to the bar. Jager bomb please! ;) tasted like shit but well worth it. started feelin a lil tipsy, started dancin a bit...nobody was in there so i tried to keep the ass shaking to a min. until more people were around. i haven't actually danced since i was in middle school. Its been a looooong time. Billy and I went up to the bar for the second time, Fuzzy Navel for me. Another Jager bomb for him. Eddie was our designated driver and Nena really doesn't drink. That second drink did me in, im a lightweight. More people were around and i started dancing, feeling fearless. two hours later, im still danicin in front of Eddie, Nena is gettin hit on by some loser, and Bill is passed out sittin up. He had been back to the bar about 8 more times. He was FFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDD up.

Eddie had to work the next mornin so we decided to pack it in and head home.

The "fun" part was trying to get Billy outta the car when we got home.

"COME ON BILL, time to go inside."

"mmmm" was all he could muster.

after about 10 minutes of this he fiiiinally got up. Eddie closed the door and we waited. He just stood there. "COME ON BILL!"

he starts pullin on the handle for the back seat door.

Eddie asked him if he needed something from the car and Billy nodded. So Eddie unlocked the car and Billy sat back down.

UGH! at least 20 min. wasted!

Thank God, it didn't take as long this time. When we got inside, i got him a glass of water and he sat down on the couch.

"you think hes gonna be ok? i asked Eddie.

"sure" all nonchalantly.

i took the water from him, shiiiit im the one thats gonna have to clean it up after he spills it all over the fucking place.

The next morning, when i woke up and walked into the kitchen to get something to drink Billys still right where we left him....fully dressed-sitting up-passed the fuck out.

"WAKE UP!!!!!" i screamed.

he looked at me and said......"what happened? i don't even remember leaving the club?"

i joked, "you don't remember, you picked up this guy while we were there and decided to make him your bitch for the night."

i get the look.

"HELL NO I DIDN'T!!!"

Haha Thats why you shouldn't drink 10 fucking Jager Bombs DEE DEE DEE!

but all in all it was a great night...i can't wait to have more nights like those.

short n sweet

So i have a headache. its been 4 hours now. cause=Fearless with Jet Li. Good ass movie, ill admit. but as soon as i walked outta the theater....PRESSURE! uhhh! i know it wont go away untill i go to sleep but its one of those headaches that hurts so bad you can't sleep. im on the internet....trying to drown out the sounds of the video game in the next room. Pray for me!

MOODY

I KNOW I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN AWHILE. HAVEN'T HAD MUCH TO SAY. WHICH IN A WAY IS BOTH A GOOD OR BAD THING. MY HEARTS JUST NOT IN IT. THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS ON MY MIND.

I MISS SEAN, I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. ITS TO A POINT NOW WHEN I DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM FOR A LIL WHILE AND THEN IT'LL HIT ME. AND IT HITS ME HARD, WHERE I JUST WANNA CRY. I MISS HIM......I KNOW IT HASN'T BEEN TOO LONG SINCE HE PASSED AND IT WILL TAKE TIME BUT I AM JUST NOT READY TO LET IT GO. I TRY TO ACT OK AROUND MY CO-WORKERS AND AROUND EDDIE. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO THEM WHEN THEY ASK THAT DREADED QUESTION. "WHATS A MATTER?" UGH....SAME SHIT THATS BEEN THE MATTER.

ON TOP OF THAT, I NEVER WANT TO DO ANY WORK ANYMORE. NEVER. I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO IT, AND THERE ARE DEADLINES I HAVE TO MEET. I WISH I KNEW WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME. I DIDN'T USED TO BE LIKE THIS. I USED TO BE A HARD WORKER AND I CARED ABOUT MY JOB. LATLEY I COULD CARE LESS. MAYBE I NEED A BREAK, A VACATION, SOMETHING BESIDES THIS DAMN ROUTINE.

WHATEVER, IM JUST MOODY. I PROMISE TO WRITE SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING NEXT TIME, I HAVE TONS OF THOUGHTS BUT NOTHING THAT I AM IN THE MOOD TO TALK ABOUT...SO...UNTIL NEXT TIME....

postpone

remember when i said i wanted to ask Eddie to marry me? well, im, uh, postponing it. ive have started to realize i was trying to rush it. i should just let things take their course. i think im feeling one of those life altering things coming on....do you ever get that feeling? like you start to get paranoid about all kinds a stupid shit? Seans death isnt helping....

i work for an accounting firm. Booooooooorrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK! i will be there for four years in January. Honestly, i really don't like what i do, i do it for the money and because the family i work for has done alot for me. I know there is money in accounting and everybody told me to stick with it. I was going to start online courses for business administration, but i keep postpoing it. ive started to see that i keep putting it off cuss i don't want to do this. i have always wanted to be a teacher. i love kids. i always planned on goin to school for elementary education but my job and finances kinda slowed that process down.

final desicion.....life is too short to to do something you hate...do what you love. i am going to go back to school for education and if anything i will always have the backround in accounting.

as far as things with Eddie, i am trying to just be happy with the now and not worry too much about the future. if we get married .....great...if we have children.....wonderful....but we are still young and i shouldn't rush it.

i just start to analyse things too much.....it gets me all worked up.... for nothing. whatever, im just gonna play it by year.

my story

welp, i promised i would tell you what the story is behind the tat im getting. thats the angel that i wanna get....well sorta, they will draw it up and change it as nessesary.

my best friend found out a year ago she has HIV. she got it from her boyfriend. Just a month before, her father passed away, and thats why she had gone to the doctor.

She is like my sister, we have known each other since we were in Elementary school. she was the bad girl and i was the good girl. she would talk and i would turn around holding my finger up to my mouth shhhh-ing at her.

in middle school we were both in band and both played the same instrument. My last name starts with Bu and hers Ca so we almost always got stuck sitting next to each other in class. It wasn't long before we started talking, and she introduced me to her friends. i have always been shy, won't really just start talking to somone, so it was always hard for me to make friends.

We lived right down the street from each other and we needed volunteer hours for school so we decided to do it together at our elementary school. we became inceperable during the summer, waking up at 6 to get to summer school, and were teachers aids until about 10, then cafateria supervisers....(what fun by the way)...then got to leave at 12. we'd hang out the rest of the day at her house or at mine. those were some of the best times of my life.

we were pretty crazy at that age, gettin hyper off of chocolate, tea, soda, pretty much you name it. we laughed so much that summer, and we started an inside joke book, over the years we have like 700 something inside jokes, or funny things that happened or songs that we made up. we also started this story, consisting of all of our friends, basically just a way to have us dating the guys we liked. it wasn't a bad story but we never finished it.

during our years of best friendness, we made pacts with each other, one saying we would be each others maid of honor. one saying we would be the god mother to each others children, and the last one saying if either one of us needed help, we would be there.

During high school, we remained very close, had some fights, but were always best friends. Senior year, when your supposed to be having the time of your life, we chilled with each other and said fuck everybody else. we only had a select few that we hung out with, and two of them, Billy and her boyfriend, had dropped out. so we would skip sometimes and be with them, but usually we would have Billy take us to school and we would take the city bus home. We did everything together.

After graduation, i started working full time and she started working part time. she worked nights and i worked days. we haven't seen each other as much over the past three years. i lived at her house for a year but still we barely saw each other. when i found out about her HIV i was devestated. she called me at work and i will never forget her voice.

"Deb, i have something i need to tell you, but ill wait until you get off of work and ill tell you and mom together."

"WHAT!! um...no you need to tell me right now, what, do you have breast cancer?"

(she had told me she had felt a lump in her breast and thats why i thought she went)

"no.............i am HIV positive."

i had no idea what to say, i was shocked. my sister....my best friend....is going to die

i left work right away and picked her and her boyfriend up, we drove around for an hour just talking and crying, well...me crying. i didn't get over it for months, still it affects me but i have seen her live a strong year and am more optimistic about it now.

the angel is how i feel. i know these things happen for reasons, but how would you feel...my mind instantly went to those pacts we made. is she going to see my wedding or my first child, will she be able to have children now? what am i going to do when shes gone?

i have grown strong....and yet im broken. these things that happen to the people i love most, have effected me in a way i could have never imagined.

people get tattoos for many reasons....mine is special...because its for her. i plan to name my first child after her and if its a boy, it'll be the name she always wanted to name her son.

i love her as blood and if i could i'd go with her...but i know she wants me to live a long life and i will fly with her in heaven.

i love you kiTTie.

"tellin my story"

you ever get such strong butterflies that it feels like they are trying to push their way out? man was i nervous yesterday! im dressed cute on my way from work, i pick up eddie and we drive to miami beach. it took about thirty minutes to get there with making 3 u-whips and finding a place to park. i walked up to the building and they had those automatic doors.

"Babe this shit won't open!"

"it says they close at 6 are you sure your appointment was at 6:30."

im freaking, call up the number and the lady says some people are coming down, they will let you in. wait 10 minutes.......nobody.

"im gonna walk around to the other side"

eddie gave me a kiss good luck and went to miami subs across the street. i walk around, (i don't know if you've ever been to miami, but there are a lot of homeless people just walking around...i saw 3 laying in the shadows of this building.....i walked as fast as i could in heels) and of course as soon as i get up to the door people come down and walk out the other side. Fucking people! i wait some more stubborn...and a lil scared...to walk around again. FINALLY someone comes out the door...i get in the elevator and head up to the 4th floor. Follow the hall and knocked on the door. I am greeted by two women in their early 20's. They told me to fill out this log and then i went to a back room where they video taped me "tellin my story." (which i will get into another day)

i gotta wait a couple of weeks before i know if im gonna get to have those artists tattoo me. i found out that if you wanna get tattooed by any of them you have to go thru this process. im pretty excited, it'd be cool to get picked! let you know when i hear from them.

SO0o its Labor Day weekend.....3 days to sit on my ass....lovin it! hope you all enjoy yours and get fuckered up!